Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I missed you with all my darts
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My dog ate my work from home.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Somewhere in an alternate universe