[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.