Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
no their not