Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…