*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
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*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.