There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
You Might Also Like
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
How high do the levels go?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?