My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
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Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Lol
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.