Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.