me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Happy Friday
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.