7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Good morning.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀