me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
The struggle is real
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: