I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: