[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work