Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
It do be feeling this way.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Herpes is trending, good job people
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now