Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk