The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye