My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔