Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Discuss
Meow
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book