They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.