Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!