You know I’m something of a chef myself
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5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.