Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
こいつ天才