I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
You Might Also Like
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s