Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Nice try Hitler
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes