I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”