I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
She puts the hot in psychotic
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.