If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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The game has officially changed 😎
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.