Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
What a website