1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying