Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
i did the math
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
s
oc
i
a
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
One venti cheeseburger please.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.