Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
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Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
can’t bark with your mouth full
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that