I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Meeeee too!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
very niche meme I made
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*