MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*