“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.