I’m good, thanks.
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?