Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.