Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Happy Taco Tuesday