Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Need WebMD
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!