Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Noah was an idiot.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.