Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
You Might Also Like
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough