Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!