There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Not messing around
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Come back with a warrant
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”