my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
You Might Also Like
Phones down.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.