The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.