It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.