Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning