“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.