I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.