My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
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[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.