My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware